Public Comment

Decades ago, and probably through centuries, it seems when women and men partnered, there was little question they would stay together. When I say decades, I really mean more than sixty years. In the nineteen sixties, it appears that human consciousness evolved, and as a byproduct, divorce has become extremely common. I have witnessed some of this in my lifetime. 

Today, it is very common to see interracial marriages, same sex marriages, partnered non-binary people, multiple marriages, children born outside of marriage, in vitro fertilization, and anything else imaginable. And with this limitless multitude of options, we have not escaped the malady of conflict. When I say malady, in many cases it is a mild way of expressing it. There are abusive husbands, and yes, some wives are abusive. And when I use the term husband and wife, I'm including common-law marriages. Cohabitants in a house, condo, or apartment, need to be able to coexist for a living arrangement to work. And often, people can't coexist. 

And where does this leave poor people in a relationship? 

If a person outgrows his or her relationship, or if they feel their partner is abusive, it may be time to get out. But if you are living on public benefits, this can be very hard to carry out. You may need money to pay movers, you need first month's rent and deposit, you need to be proficient in packing your belongings. You need to stick with any decision you make, because changing your mind at a partway point can result in disaster. 

On television, I saw a movie about a wife who kept winning pie baking contests and saved the money in a glass jar that she kept hidden. It was her moving out money. I won't go into detail about the plot, but that's the kind of thing many people could be facing. It is difficult to leave someone who is very invested in you staying in. They could go ballistic, and/or you could lose your nerve. It is easier in the short-term to remain in a situation that could be far from ideal than it is to face massive uncertainty about a new living situation. And there is no promise that a new living situation will turn out to be better. 

But sometimes for the sake of having a decent life, you must get out. And although this is very hard, it is better than facing a lifetime of being picked on, being abused, and/or being battered. Genders, to a large extent, are not relevant. A man can potentially be on the receiving end of abuse. 

The court systems and the mental health treatment system operate with the assumption that the female is the victim. But really, this isn't accurate. There are plenty of methods by which a female can abuse a male. For example: defamation. For example, verbally expressed negativity or even rage. When the female in a relationship is a professional victim, the male is subject to all manner of legal or other hassle. I am aware that use of the term: "professional victim" will probably offend some readers. Yet, they really in some instances do exist and aren't a myth like the Loch Ness Monster. 

This is not to discredit all women who cry foul. More often, it is the man who is the bully in the relationship, and this is due to how men and women are constructed--and also due to how men and women learn to relate as we mature. Yet, on occasion, the accusing woman is a liar, and that's why both sides should have an opportunity to tell their version. 

If a man is victimized by being defamed, he should leave. He can't do that if his subsidized housing has both persons' names on it. In the San Francisco Bay Area, there aren't a lot of choices of where to live if you are disabled. Thus, leaving is a gradual process: you have to save up money, you have to get on waitlists, you have to figure out logistics, you have to emotionally detach from the other person. And because of this time factor, a lot can happen in the intervening period. 

Gaslighting and other forms of brainwash can prevent a partner from acting. Also, bribing a person with gifts so that she or he feels obliged, can and often does happen. I know of a man who hit his wife. To make up with her, at one point he bought her a brand-new Cadillac a day after an especially bad fight. 

But this can all be prevented. Ideally, if you live on disability, you should not mix your living situations with a relationship. Instead, have them over one night a week. This rule holds true for people living on disability who have established themselves in housing, and it holds true for anyone of limited resources. It also holds true for those who do not necessarily feel strong enough to just leave, if it turns out that a situation is abusive.