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Joe Biden must be biting his nails awaiting the next accusation of "inappropriate behavior" stemming from his arguably over-the-top "expressions of affection."  

In his defense, Biden says: "I have offered countless handshakes, hugs, expressions of affection, support and comfort. And not once—never—did I believe I acted inappropriately. If it is suggested I did so, I will listen respectfully. But it was never my intention."  

It's agreed that we aren't talking about gross sexual assault here. Biden's misbehavior is more a bad case of male-entitlement where women enjoy the same level of diminished respect as small children and house pets. You don't need to ask a pet poodle for permission to scratch its ear or rub its belly: puppies are "affection targets." As are cute children? As are women?  

A guy like Joe doesn't see anything wrong in sidling up behind a woman and placing his hands on her shoulders. (George W. Bush famously did it to Germany Chancellor Angela Merkel.) But Joe would probably have second thoughts about making a similar move on Bill Clinton. Coif-sniffing and hair-kissing is just something "affable" guys do with "available" gals. Or so it once seemed.  

I think it's high time to further define what's permissible in the politics of physical encounters.  

First: No more overwrought political backslapping. No bear-hugs. No more patting the heads of the small children. No more squeezing of minors. (Confession: As a child, I hated visiting my grandparents because the visits always began with a smothering embrace from my overweight aunts.)  

Foremost: Let's put an end to the greatest form of politically sanctioned child abuse: baby-kissing. Offering up your children to be lip-smacked by a complete stranger—especially a slobbering, overweening politician—can be a traumatic act that risks lasting psychological damage. No more kissing babies!  

Fighting Words 

America's weaponized language has become so camouflaged by convention that the abiding undercurrents of threat and violence usually go unnoticed. But sometimes the message is so out-of-sorts with the messenger that you can't help but notice. Like when a thank-you note from Friends of the Earth includes the line: "You are adding precious fuel to the vital and ongoing fight." 

And, in this vein, an unsolicited bit of campaign advice for Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, et al. Stop waving your fists and making bellicose claims that you're ready to "fight" and "win." I think most voters simply want an honest and committed grassroots candidate who will "work hard" to achieve "progressive change." 

A Statue of Lamentations 

I think I may have an alternative to calls for removing statues commemorating Confederate hero Gen. Robert E. Lee. Leave the statues but change the quotations adorning them. 

Here are some actual quotes from Gen. Lee that might transform the monuments into touchstones of anti-war, anti-slavery sentiment: 

"It is well that war is so terrible—lest we should grow too fond of it." 

"What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world." 

"So, far from engaging in a war to perpetuate slavery, I am rejoiced that Slavery is abolished. I believe it will be greatly for the interest of the South. So fully am I satisfied of this that I would have cheerfully lost all that I have lost by the war, and have suffered all that I have suffered, to have this object obtained." 

The website Son of the South offers additional thoughts from Gen. Lee. In one handwritten letter to Andrew Hunter, Lee argued that emancipation should become an official goal of the South and he proposed granting slaves freedom in exchange for joining the Confederate Army. Lee proposed that any slave who fought the Yankees should be paid "a bounty." They all would become "free men in the South after the war" and their families also would be granted their freedom—"even if the men did not survive the war." 

Caching in Your Chips 

Have you looked at a bag of Doritos lately? The bags' backsides now invite purchasers to "Follow us on Twitter" (Don't people have better things to do with their time?) and tempt would-be purchasers with a new promotional tag-line: "Snack Boldly." (Who knew it was so easy to be "bold"?) 

[Footnote: There's another two-word tagline that's filling the TV airwaves of late, courtesy of Mazda. Viewers are invited to "Feel Alive." Oddly, the TV ad associates "feeling alive" with riding in a car that's partly controlled by computer inputs.] 

But getting back to Doritos: Looking for a clue as to the link 'twixt crunching a chip and feeling like The Hulk, you might discover a new line at the bottom of the ingredients list. It reads: "Produced with Genetic Engineering." No other Frito-Lay chips seem to have that warning. So, if you want to feel "bold" (and maybe a wee bit nauseous), just skip the Sour Cream & Onion tater chips and go straight for the Doritos. 

Say No-to-NATO and Pass the Java 

A massive weeklong protest coinciding with NATO's 70^th anniversary recently raised a ruckus from March 30-April 4 in the nation's capitol. Events featured marches, panels, demos, artists, concerts, and nonviolent actions, all intended to amplify the message: "NATO is a waste of resources; NATO makes us more unsafe!" An email from one of the groups in the coalition planning the event proposed issuing a "WAKE UP CALL" by printing anti-NATO messages on paper cups used to hand out free coffee. "Wake up and smell the militarism" was a leading cup slogan—until someone in the planning team emailed the following: "If one wished to opt for a crude-but-honest reference to NATO's history, the stickers on the cups could read: 'Wake Up and Smell the Coffins.'" 

"Gunsplaining" the NRA's WMDs 

In most states, teenagers can't buy a beer or a handgun until they turn 21 but, at the age of 18, they can purchase military-style rifles like the AR-15 (aka the "weapon of choice for mass killings"). The "gunsplaining" activists of the NRA insist that rapid-fire weapons are Constitutionally requiried for the purpose of "personal self-defense" (an argument that does not quite square with participation in a "well-regulated militia"). 

But please to note: Kalishnikovs or Remington Bushmasters are not called "self-protection devices." They are semi-automatic/automatic, rapid-fire weapons that can kill at a distance of 1,600 feet. Why is there even a debate here? They are openly called assault rifles! Defend "assault rifles" and you are defending someone's right to use these weapons to "assault" others. 

When it comes to making money from mayhem, "assault" provides a useful euphemism for "murder," "attack," "massacre," "mass-killing," and "assassination." 

A CHP Alert Ends Happily—Except for Michael 

On March 28, my cell-phone emitted a loud bleep to announce a disturbing message from the California Highway Patrol: An "Endangered Missing Advisory" reported that a black Honda Civic was involved in a possible kidnapping involving a mother and her two-year-old child. Checking the CHP's online alert page, I discovered that one alert driver had already responded: "Black Honda with what looks like a child standing in back of the car seen entering hwy 4 eastbound from alhambra ave exit." To which the CHP replied: "Thank you for the information…. Have a great day." 

The CHP eventually reported: "This Endangered Missing Advisory has been deactivated. Both parties have been located." Everyone was safe. But the CHP's public response list contained some further, unexpected surprises. 

Scrolling down the list of Tweets, I found a kvetch from a driver named Michael who had written: "Thanks for the carpool ticket. Maybe you could have spent time looking instead!" To which, a Tweeter named Sondra replied: "Maybe next time you won't try to cheat the system!" 

But then things got even stranger. 

CHP Website: Hacked by Hookers? 

Among the emergency alert respondees were several individuals who posted links to their personal Twitter accounts. These included two young women who appeared in provocative poses. A click on the first of the links uncorked a pop-up page from one "Susan Gxxxx." [Full name redacted.] The left side of the page included a photo of Susan posing in just half of a two-piece bikini. Another, larger graphic (imposed on full display atop the CHP Alert page) was even more unexpected and astonishing. It was a close-up photo of Susan openly fondling her vagina. (I have a screenshot to prove it.) One more click and the CHP alert was replaced by the homepage for an "adult dating" site. 

Does the CHP know it's website is being used to promote adult hookups? In addition to looking out for disabled pickup trucks, it looks like the CHP may need to start keeping an eye out for computer-enabled pick-up tricks. 

Rest in Peace 

Still curious, a few days later, a follow-up visit to the CHP Alert page revealed a posting by a young woman named Nikki (posing with her tongue dangling provocatively down her chin). Nikki's messages included reactions to the recent murder of rapper Nipsey Hussle and included the following grim note from "Adrian Gxxxxxx": 

"I know Nipsey Hussle died today, but today my little cousin was also shot 5 times. A gun was put to his big brother and he tried to hit it out of the robbers hand then was shot after. Sounds just like him, he was a hell of a kid. Such a hero, Rest In Peace family, I love you." 

And Speaking of Heroes 

Pentagon whistleblower Chelsea Manning is back in prison for refusing to answer questions from a grand jury. She is allowed to receive letters: here's where to write: 

Chelsea Elizabeth Manning 

AO181426 

William G. Truesdale Adult Detention Center 

2001 Mill Road, Alexandria, VAS 22314 

Note: Send letters on white paper only 

Use the USPS to send letters 

Do not send cards, packages, postcards, photocopies or cash 

Do not decorate the outside of the envelope 

Do not send books or magazines